We give the first polynomial improvements over the textbook algorithms for $3$SUM and All-Pairs Shortest Paths (APSP): we show how to deterministically solve $3$SUM on $n$ integers of polynomial size in $O(n^{1.9992})$ time and APSP on directed $n$-vertex graphs with polynomially bounded integer weights in $O(n^{2.9995})$ time. This refutes the $3$SUM and APSP hypotheses. Using known reductions, we also refute the real-valued versions of the $3$SUM and APSP hypotheses, the Exact Triangle hypothesis, the Zero-Weight $k$-Clique hypotheses, and the three rectangular hinted Online Matrix--Vector conjectures of van den Brand, Nanongkai, and Saranurak, and we give polynomial speedups for a variety of other problems. All of these results follow from a single new algorithm for thin matrix products. Let $X$ be an $N\times D$ integer matrix and $Y$ a $D\times N$ integer matrix with $D\le N^{1/18}$, and let $W$ be any set of at most $N^2/\sqrt D$ positions. We compute the entries $(XY)[I,J]$, $(I,J)\in W$, in $O(N^2/D^{0.063})$ operations, which is polynomially less than the time needed to write down $XY$ or to compute $N^2/\sqrt D$ inner products one by one. We design this algorithm by modifying a variant of Coppersmith's rectangular matrix multiplication algorithm, built from a ten-multiplication identity of Schönhage, to perform only the operations needed for the entries in $W$, and show that few operations are needed. Interpreted as a graph algorithm, this solves the All-Edges Sparse Triangle problem in truly subquadratic time on sparse lopsided tripartite graphs where two parts have $n$ vertices but one part has $n^{\varepsilon}$ vertices for $\varepsilon<0.12$. By known reductions, Exact Triangle, and hence $3$SUM and APSP, reduce to this problem. We also give a data structure version that answers queries for single entries of $XY$, not known in advance.