People drift apart. Actually making the effort to communicate and meet up occasionally is important for maintaining those relationships. If you’re not in the place where you’re can stay aware of major life changes (marriage, divorce, kids, major career changes, moves between cities, major illness or injury, deaths in family, etc.), were you really “friends for life”?
Even making brunch plans in my 40s requires consulting a calendar. That naturally shrinks the number of close friends in the mix. I’m closer with my friends who live close than the ones who live far, simply out of inertia, that maintaining those relationships takes less effort.
I’ll give you an example of what I mean. A couple of weeks ago I saw one of my best friends throughout my life for the first time since covid. He’s never been much for messages and calls, so staying up to speed that way has always been unreliable anyway. But I always made sure to visit when I was visiting our hometown, where he still lives. But since he remarried they were traveling a lot and he wasn’t often at home. When I wasn’t getting replies to my messages I started to wonder if I’d done something to anger him. But I kept sending messages whenever I were coming to town, and dropping a box of chocolates at their porch every Christmas, since they were never at home when I went by their place.
Well, the last time I rang the doorbell they were home - and what ridiculously bad luck it is that it took so long to catch them. They were in fact packing for a several weeks long trip.
Anyway. We picked up where we last left off. No, not angry at me, they just got used to a bit of a hermit lifestyle during covid. He said that apart from one visit from his sister (and they literally share a backyard), I’m the last the person to visit them.
Anyway. That’s a pretty weird and extreme example. But neither of us, in our friendship, is the kind of person that requires constant attention and reaffirming the friendship. We were separate for a very, very stupid long time. But that didn’t erode the friendship we’ve had for the past four or so decades.
I’ve had high maintenance friends, mentally needy, those whose friendship requires constant sacrifice for upkeep. They can be good friendships. But in my experience they don’t last.
People drift apart. Actually making the effort to communicate and meet up occasionally is important for maintaining those relationships. If you’re not in the place where you’re can stay aware of major life changes (marriage, divorce, kids, major career changes, moves between cities, major illness or injury, deaths in family, etc.), were you really “friends for life”?
Even making brunch plans in my 40s requires consulting a calendar. That naturally shrinks the number of close friends in the mix. I’m closer with my friends who live close than the ones who live far, simply out of inertia, that maintaining those relationships takes less effort.
I’ll give you an example of what I mean. A couple of weeks ago I saw one of my best friends throughout my life for the first time since covid. He’s never been much for messages and calls, so staying up to speed that way has always been unreliable anyway. But I always made sure to visit when I was visiting our hometown, where he still lives. But since he remarried they were traveling a lot and he wasn’t often at home. When I wasn’t getting replies to my messages I started to wonder if I’d done something to anger him. But I kept sending messages whenever I were coming to town, and dropping a box of chocolates at their porch every Christmas, since they were never at home when I went by their place. Well, the last time I rang the doorbell they were home - and what ridiculously bad luck it is that it took so long to catch them. They were in fact packing for a several weeks long trip. Anyway. We picked up where we last left off. No, not angry at me, they just got used to a bit of a hermit lifestyle during covid. He said that apart from one visit from his sister (and they literally share a backyard), I’m the last the person to visit them.
Anyway. That’s a pretty weird and extreme example. But neither of us, in our friendship, is the kind of person that requires constant attention and reaffirming the friendship. We were separate for a very, very stupid long time. But that didn’t erode the friendship we’ve had for the past four or so decades.
I’ve had high maintenance friends, mentally needy, those whose friendship requires constant sacrifice for upkeep. They can be good friendships. But in my experience they don’t last.
You described a lot of effort on your end to keep that relationship going. That’s what I mean. Relationships require maintenance.