"Gentlemen (and ladies please leave for it is not for your dainty hearts!) These devilish wires that are held upon stakes that plunge into the heart of God’s green earth are doing far more than blighting our crops and potatoes! It is this same wire that I have good sources on (show them the papers, John!) *John on another podium waves blank paper piles like they mean something * that afflicted the Irish potato that lead those heathen Catholics to come over here, lorded over by their prince in Rome whose true master is the Jews!
And the main concern on all good Christian minds from these devilish telegraph wire is that they send an evil miasma that has been proven beyond all doubt (John! The proof!) That they even make the beasts of the land and water stray from the path God has lain forth and has sent them onto the path of SODOM! Gentlemen! They have turned the frogs onto sodomites!
But fear not, I have a tonic that will prevent all manner of evil from entering your heart! For but a nickel I have pint flask of the Jones invigorator! Guaranteed to ensure proper masculine strength and function, with the ladies never questioning you, and thus rendering no need to beat them to prevent them from straying onto the path of sapphistry!"
A 19th century Alex Jones sketch coming right up…
"Gentlemen (and ladies please leave for it is not for your dainty hearts!) These devilish wires that are held upon stakes that plunge into the heart of God’s green earth are doing far more than blighting our crops and potatoes! It is this same wire that I have good sources on (show them the papers, John!) *John on another podium waves blank paper piles like they mean something * that afflicted the Irish potato that lead those heathen Catholics to come over here, lorded over by their prince in Rome whose true master is the Jews!
And the main concern on all good Christian minds from these devilish telegraph wire is that they send an evil miasma that has been proven beyond all doubt (John! The proof!) That they even make the beasts of the land and water stray from the path God has lain forth and has sent them onto the path of SODOM! Gentlemen! They have turned the frogs onto sodomites!
But fear not, I have a tonic that will prevent all manner of evil from entering your heart! For but a nickel I have pint flask of the Jones invigorator! Guaranteed to ensure proper masculine strength and function, with the ladies never questioning you, and thus rendering no need to beat them to prevent them from straying onto the path of sapphistry!"
At least you got a bit of cocaine (and lead, and mercury) for your nickel
Drug historians call the years 1870 to 1914 The Great Binge for a reason…