Oh my word, that was a beautiful but incredibly tough read.
edit: sharing my experience below, the length got a bit out of hand!
I live about four or five hundred miles from where I grew up with family, and I got wind of my dad being in hospital. I gave him a call like I did every short while, and the opening lines were a bit of a comedy:
“Hi dad, how are you?”
“Aye I’m alright thanks”
“Anything exciting happening? Any news with you?”
“no not really”
“… you’re in the hospital, aren’t you dad?”
“…yeah” 😂
We had a good chat - I offered to fly down and see him but it all seemed very positive and I’d already had plans to pop down the following month.
Unfortunately, I didn’t get the chance - a couple of weeks later I got the dreaded phone call that he’d died as a complication of his illness. I was obviously gutted, but I consider myself very very very fortunate that in that phonecall, I had the opportunity to have a good chat with him and was able to tell him everything I wanted to, there was nothing left unsaid.
Anyway…
The part of our brain that does evaluation, desire, and choice has been completely overrun; when someone asks “I’m gonna grab sushi, do you want any” we stare at them in confusion.
Absolutely. The day after my old man died, I was due to cover a night duty at my old workplace. It’s a straightforward role to deal with stuff that comes up, most of which is safety-critical in the industry so drinks, drugs, poor behaviour or low mental health are things to declare beforehand so you don’t put yourself or colleagues at risk of clouded decision making.
My other half was away on a family visit, so a dear friend of mine invited me round for a few days to avoid the workplace - I politely declined thinking I was gutted but otherwise okay. I relented on going out to the local town for the afternoon - the Coca Cola truck was doing a promo thing so it would have been a good laugh before work.
And it was - I had a good half hour. He invited me round to his place for a quick BBQ before work, and it sounded like a good idea. Went to Tesco, and we were stood in the meats aisle. He asked me:
“Do you fancy burgers or hotdogs?”
I wasn’t arsed either way. I just said “I’m not bothered mate, whatever you fancy”. He wasn’t having it.
“Do you want the burgers, or a hotdog?”
I wasn’t moved one way or another, I’m usually happy enough to eat most things so I just said “i don’t mind mate, you choose”. Nope. Wasn’t having it.
“No fella, I’m asking you. Do you want burgers, or a hotdog?”
I was getting a bit miffed at him asking me the same shit over and over but I just ran with it, and looked at both things he had in each hand. I could see the prepacked meat in each hand, but I couldn’t choose. I knew I could just almost flip a coin in my head and pick left or right, but I couldn’t critically evaluate what I wanted in such a basic decision. My mind felt like it was full of treacle, able to look and think and feel, but unable to move itself in a particular direction.
I understood what he was doing. “I’m sorry bruv,” I said, “I can’t choose”. I phoned up and booked my three remaining shifts off.
It was the strangest feeling being unable to make that decision. It wasn’t a hard call, just the mind was under so much stress I wasn’t aware of that I couldn’t just step forward.
As it happens I went home, had a good cry, got changed, and went back to his place for the evening and got hammered with him - lots of beer, Die Hard and Predator, and cracking tunes through to about 6am.