Can I just teleport the poop out of my colon and the piss out of my balls, so I don’t have to get up to go to the bathroom?

There comes a time in every man’s life when he realises the truth that he is a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world.

Rumour has it your mum is a nice lady

Cloord, clard or cloud?

Australian, Bostonian and Fr*nch, respectively

Haha thanks, I’ve been sober nearly 4 years, and all my candles are battery powered now.

The trick to showering in cold water is to stand in front of the water stream on low, wash your hands, then rub the water up your arms, keep cupping and rubbing up your shoulders, neck, legs, hair, face, chest, and back. Your hand are pretty tolerant of cold water, and they warm it slightly. As you work around, you’re slowly desensitising your skin to the cold. All the capillaries begin to contract but not all at once sending a shock through your body. After a couple minutes of the rub down you’ll be able to step into the cold stream, still rubbing all over vigorously, without getting a shock. Thereafter, the cold stream doesn’t feel so bad.

The same works for swimming in very cold water. Go in about knee deep, rub the water all over yourself, and eventually you’ll be able to fully immerse and swim without the sudden shock

Making a vegetarian dish for your friends without telling them and having all of them enjoy it and none of them go “Is this vegetarian?” Earns you a blackbelt.

Mushrooms are genetically more similar to animals than to plants.

This fact will not save them from my pan of butter 🫤

I also hope I don’t live to see the year 10,000.

I was busy getting absolutely sloshed on scotch at home alone because I was an alcoholic, the power went out, and I thought “I’ll light some candles and read a book in bed!”

Promptly passed out and woke up to the smoke alarm going off with flames crackling up the wooden bedside cabinet and the mattress starting to smoke, burning my forehead and some of my hair.

The only reason I didn’t die is because I forgot to close the bedroom door, the smoke detector was out in the hall. If the door was closed, the room would have filled with smoke and killed me before the alarm went off.

It’s actually just you, the rest of us are bots, beep boop.

“I like cats!”

“So you’re saying you hate dogs?”

I was rippin’ Rust a few years ago, especially after reading Stephen Markley’s The Deluge and having a bit of a breakdown. Then I was

Then the anxiety counter got to 999,999 and ticked back over to 000,000 and broke, so now I’m just sorta

getting more weird and whimsy instead of more anxious.

I don’t have any kids of my own. I feel sorry for the other people’s kids but I wish them all the best in the cannibal wars to come.

Some small towns councils/shires can be even more intrusive and nosy than those in the city, because they have fuck all else to do.

My dad lives in a small town of 30 people and the shire is nosy as fuck.

I drive a rather small and light car, with gokart-like steering, so I struggle to stay centred, especially if it’s windy. I also have no depth perception so I sometimes have to move my head side to side to get a parallax estimate of distance to the next car, which doesn’t help

The Schizophrenic who believes the garbage men are spying on him is going to fucking lose it!

Or it dangles and touches the inside of the bowl

All books are just plagiarised from the dictionary

Just install a second autopilot that can take over if the first one fails!

Oh, I still can’t say it, it’s awful.