Certain women like asshole confidence. Typically the type to write “I’m a bitch, deal with it” in their bios

I don’t know if you need your meds and a nap or if you’re actually going to make a video of vinyl shoving

You have a way with words. As in a way to put letters together in a seemingly correct fashion but trying to process the meaning is like trying to shove a vinyl record into a usb port. I like you

All this talk about upper butt, grabbing low hanging fruit, short fucks, and local food banks has me ready for round 2. Out of completely unrelated curiosity, how tall are we talking?

I have an urge to throw a towel at you and tell you to clean yourself up while I put my pants back on. Thanks for the ego boost and I hope you get some help with your drinking problem. I left the $60 on your nightstand, goodnight.

I’m either too high or not high enough for this. Just tell me what position to get in and let’s get this over with. Lights off but socks stay on.

I don’t know if you’re flirting with me or telling me to shut up

They needed to do a report to figure out taking medical care away would cause deaths?

I once accidentally turned on my seat warmer and halfway to work I thought I shit my pants

I like this game.

It wouldn’t be impossible to be a demented, narcissistic, pedo, with incestuous sexual desires and a diaper full of cheeseburgers

I’m having difficulty understanding what positions in theater and performing arts are stereotyped as anti-social, unless it’s some kind of euphemism?

And what do you do?

What about the drug part?

Printers are so cheap nowadays that the solution to every problem is to buy a new one. Paper jam? Out of ink? Random pages coming out with grayscale pictures of demonic forces? Lost the power cable? Buy a new one

It’s the exact sequence that lead to the birth of the joker

I’ve always been interested in the business side of beekeeping, do you rent out for pollination and is it worth doing?

It’s human nature to act like you’re in a really bad horror movie when you’re crunched for time.

Wake up and spill your glass of water

Put your underwear on backwards and don’t notice until you’re fully dressed

Drop the toothpaste cap down the drain

Need to poop but constipated

Make a mess putting together your smoothie then drop it on the floor when you’re done

Put your shoes on and realize you don’t know where your car keys are

Find them in the freezer beside your dead parakeet you plan on burying later

Drop the keys locking your front door

Drop the keys unlocking your car

Drop the keys between your seat and centre console, but it’s ok because you have a push to start

Hit every red light

Stuck behind legally blind geriatrics the whole drive

Get out of the car and spill your coffee

Close the door and remember your keys are still in the devil’s crack aka between the seat and centre console

Scrape up your hand reaching into the crack and accidentally wipe blood on your white dress shirt

15 minutes late for work but it’s ok. You remember you were fired last week for being chronically late.

You’re treathbaking! You’re all treathbaking!

Side note, I creeped your profile a little bit to make sure you would understand my humour, and clearly you did because you sent me the “I want a hot dog now” emoji. And I noticed you responded to someone who said Reanu Keeves was the most creative name they’ve seen and now I’m paranoid

Ya seriously, if you have enough structure to your poop you won’t need to scoop. You can pull them out like when you make a small cut just big enough for 1 wiener in a pack of hot dogs to limit oxidation.