I don’t know very many trans people in real life, but it’s something that I wonder about whenever having an interaction on a personal level. I don’t mean this to sound invasive or creepy. It’s an honest question from a person who simultaneously wants you to feel as free and welcome as I can help you to feel living on the same planet as me, while also having absolutely no paradigm for what it feels like to be a transsexual person. Do you tend to appreciate it when someone comments positively on your looks or clothes, either with or without reference to the fact that it’s sometimes somewhat apparent that a transition occurred at some point, or do you prefer that it goes mostly ignored like it does most of the time for cis people? Does it feel like a patronizing participation medal, or kinda validating? On one hand, I know that if I complete a project, it feels good if someone comments on it without me pointing it out, and asks questions about how I did it, and I’m likewise happy to acknowledge the amount of work and bravery that a trans person has put into themselves, but you also have other stuff going on in your life, and I don’t want to make it weird by making you feel like that’s the only part of you that anyone notices.
For clarity: this is on the premise that it’s done with social awareness and tact. I don’t mean complimenting someone by saying “You really do look like a guy.” I’m more asking about something along the lines of “I like your dress. That’s awesome!” With the extra “that’s awesome.” part, being verbal shorthand for: it’s awesome that you’re being honest enough with yourself to wear it in public, and I respect it. Thoughts?
cis women compliment (and get complimented on) their appearance all the time. trans women like that too. so yeah, without reference to them being trans, 100%.
but getting clocked sucks, so even if you’re supportive and an ally it’s not good to make a reference to them being trans unless they’ve told you. (though definitely don’t lie, even for flattery, since we’re insecure about false compliments in general.)
but if they tell you they’re trans, or if you find out through some way not connected to their appearance (e.g. they show an old ID)… then, and only then, compliments on their physical appearance are absolute catnip. I remember once checking into a motel and showing my old ID, and the person at the front desk said “sorry, he has to be here in person for me to accept his ID” - he thought I was my own sister lol. that was one of the greatest moments of euphoria in my entire life! he was worried he’d offended me once I explained I’d transitioned but I was like “nah bro, you can’t imagine how good that made me feel.”
OTOH, I was introduced to a trans girl at an event recently (although I didn’t know it at the time, she passed too well), and we chatted a bit. I learned later through a mutual friend that she was disappointed I hadn’t clocked her. Make of that what you will, I guess?
It’s always going to be a personal preference kind of thing. Personally I don’t really care much about “passing” and I’m usually completely okay being outwardly trans, unless it’s being used to harass/bully.
I had a weird experience the other day when getting an ultrasound where I told the tech I was obviously on HRT which she immediately denied. I get she was trying to be supportive, but it kinda just made me feel worse because of how awkward it was lol.