I lost a relative recently and I’ve been struggling with the grieving aspect. I haven’t cried or gotten visceral anger. I’m mostly just generally unpleasant right now. Impatient, easily annoyed and lack energy. Part of it is the cognitive dissonance associated. The individual was complicated, more good in the world overall, but, undeniably a lot of bad too.
When my mother-in-law passed away I attended the funeral in rural China. It was weird for me as a non-Chinese, it seemed to me like everyone was being hysterical with the wailing, pulling at their own hair and clothes in grief etc.
But I joined in anyway and looking back on it I feel that while it seemed weird at the time to grieve so publicly, it was positive to get it all out at once.
Go do something that will start the tears flowing, watch a sad movie if you have to, but once you start let it all out.