I lost a relative recently and I’ve been struggling with the grieving aspect. I haven’t cried or gotten visceral anger. I’m mostly just generally unpleasant right now. Impatient, easily annoyed and lack energy. Part of it is the cognitive dissonance associated. The individual was complicated, more good in the world overall, but, undeniably a lot of bad too.
Last time I drank. I already had a drinking problem and it was the only way I knew how to quiet my mind, so it escalated. After a few months I quit (still sober 6 years later), went to therapy, let myself feel the loss and talked about it. After a while you realise that you haven’t thought about it all day, maybe all week. You don’t forget the person and the feeling of loss stays with you, but with time it stops feeling overwhelming. But you have to let yourself feel it first.