I (22M, heterosexual) am interested in a sensual and affectionate form of intimacy involving purely oral stimulation. My desire is entirely centered on kissing and being kissed as a way to exchange love and pleasure (with oral sex being an extension of kissing). It is so hot to me that it is genuinely all I want, and penetrative forms of sex do not interest me. (Due to medical issues, they also might not work super well at this point.)
I have never had a sexual partner because I was raised with a traditional model of intimacy in which an active male partner penetrates a passive female partner. Since my desires did not fit this framework, I never tried to even date anyone, believing that the type of intimacy I wanted - one in which both partners took turns giving and receiving oral pleasure - was impossible. At least, not without having to participate in an activity that didn’t arouse me.
I am not nearly as ignorant as I was back then, but I would like to know if there is a general dating strategy to efficiently narrow things down to women who aren’t interested in or don’t require penetrative sex.
Does anyone know of someone in a similar situation who found a compatible partner regardless? If so, how did they do it?
Alright, reading this, I really feel you’re okay. It’s not like I’ve taken a poll or have hard statistics, but this really is not that strange. Sex can certainly be intimidating and it’s easy to get self conscious because you’re making yourself extremely vulnerable and such, but you really aren’t describing anything that out of the ordinary, and I’d say it’s probably a LOT more ordinary than you think. A lot of pornography and pop culture depictions of sex making it seem rough, but it can also be sensual and massage like. Maybe even moreso. Pornography focuses on what’s appealing to watch, not what feels good. Pop culture is similar in that it isn’t really about the feeling. Even when people talk about sex as if it’s super rough it can also just be posturing. Sort of like dirty talk.
All in all, you’ve got nothing to worry about, but also don’t be afraid to ask. I definitely relate to the last paragraph. It’s super easy to see a perceived difference and think it’s a problem. Sex is as much about empathy as the physical actions.
That said, some of the other answers about trying to date asexual (and ace spectrum) people may be good if you’re nervous about all of this. They’re probably much more willing to talk about these things and understand what you mean. It’s worth restating that not all who are asexual are sex repulsed and/or want to avoid it entirely. Maybe even just to talk with, not necessarily date.