Long story short. Friend with history is body and mental issues (mainly depression). I moved to a different country, so we talked less. For the past two year things went very one sided. I would text her and get reply much later. Never able to meet when I was in town.
Then, nothing. No answers at all. Text or calls. Friends tell me similar story. I keep texting sporadically, sometimes calling. After months I get a response. She’s crying and saying shes sorry for not replying, that’s she’s not well in general and needs time. Problems with work, relationships, family and some tragedies all in short time.
That was months ago. Part of me thinks to give space, but another is worried because she’s avoiding our common friends too. The only way to reach to her or even know how she is would be through her family, which is very intrusive.
Any advice?
Edit: fixed “In moved to a different country” to “I moved to a different country” as somebody misunderstood due to the typo
I would suggest Send memes or funny images if you can. Sending messages might feel more stressful, they might think they need to answer. Images have no expectations of respond.
Even books or podcast things like " I know you like this topic, and when I saw this book I thought you might enjoy it "
From my n=1 data:
The self-isolation could come from not being able to be there for you as well and feeling unworthy of your friendship because of that.
Express your love, indicate there is expectation of quid pro quo, just say your heart and door are always open.
Send messages once a month or so letting her know you’re thinking about her. If she responds, great! If not, that’s okay, send 'em anyway.
People in those situations need to know they aren’t forgotten by their friends as much as they need time and space to sort themselves out. It’s hard to say what’s appropriate. Trust your own judgment m
Send them a text and tell them you’re thinking about them. If they ask for help and you can help them then by all means help them.
This advice is from a self isolating man that needs help.
Do you need any kind of help a stranger from the internet can provide?
Yeah I need a job with my very specific skill set or entry level that isn’t sales that is also remote.
Well, unfortunately I can’t be of assist with that. I barely manage to keep my job.
This is the correct answer.
It’s the only answer. Worst case she ignores you. Best case, you save her life.
Just don’t think you need to do more than that. You can’t help people who don’t want help.
I have a tendency to forget about anything that isn’t directly in front of my face. I love talking to and hanging out with my old friends from school, but I don’t often think to send a message just to say hi, and sometimes I realize that I haven’t talked to any of them in over a year or so.
It never hurts to send a “Hey! How’s it going?” message when you haven’t heard from someone in a while. I know that even though I’m really bad at sending them, I’m always happy to receive them!
A gentle reminder that you know about them and are available but putting no pressure on them would probably help them. Unsure if it will cause them to open up more, but if your goal is making sure they are ok, I don’t think reaching out would be a bad idea.
Speaking as someone with recurrent severe depression, my closest friends are the ones who harass me with their love. That said, I would never want someone to try to reach me through my family. Her situation might be different.
Depression is very isolating, it can make you feel unworthy of being around people because you can’t be fun, and you get anxious about making “mistakes.”
My favorite people are the ones who randomly show up, drag me out, ask me for help with something (introvert cheat code,) and buy me games without asking so we can play together.
If she’s an adult, she’s capable of telling someone to back off if it’s too much.
I think you can reach out via txt, just format your message to subtly acknowledge that a response is unnecessary. So, instead of wording your message normally as something that would begin a back-and-forth, word it more like an old fashioned letter, or something else where a response isn’t expected. Can talk about whatever, updates on you, your thoughts about this or that, hopes she/her family are doing better, etc etc. Then just end with an old sounding “hope this finds you well” type of thing. Just avoid non-rhetorical questions or anything that pressures her to return contact. When she’s ready, she can write you back.
Whats much later? People need to give me a week and then can start worrying although if I have a crazy busy weekend that would be the reason I did not get back within a week. Honestly fridays are kinda dangerous as I tend to work on stuff based on oldest first so that I don’t get to behind. Granted priorities and situation. My wife will hear back in less than a day but it could be in person.
Before this much later could be days, and we all just joked about how slow she was to answer in general. Just how she was… That + distance made it so that I didn’t realize something was off for some time. Then I reached to common friends and heard similar stories.
We are late 30s-40s, so with work, kids… It’s way too easy to just move on and “forget” that you haven’t heard from somebody in months I guess.
Her moving to another country and not talking to you or your common friends doesn’t mean she’s “self isolating”. No single friend group is everyone’s life. Especially since it’s been two years since she left your country…
Going to her family would be creepy as fuck.
And honestly it feels like you have more motivations than just friendship here. And she’s been trying to let you down gently for over two years now…
Like if “reconnect” means a text, go for it. But it sounds like you want someone to tell you it’s ok to contact her fucking family that you don’t know to complain she doesn’t text back immediately.
That’s dangerously close to stalker shit, and they will always present a narrative similar to yours and use that for justification of inappropriate actions.
I’m the one who moved, not her.
Rest is also mostly an invention in your side, but not believing at face value someone somebody said on the internet is generally a good practice.
Thanks anyway.
So she still lives where all your mutual friends live…
Where her family lives…
Let them handle it.
Rest is also mostly an invention in your side, but not believing at face value someone somebody said on the internet is generally a good practice.
Buddy…
You keep making “typos” that completely change the meaning of what you type or just make no sense.
Just leave the woman who clearly doesn’t want to interact with you alone.
Although I’m sure you’ll ignore every response that’s not:
Only you can save her! Do anything possible to talk to her no matter how many times she says she doesn’t want to talk to you. Shell appreciate it after you save her! You know her needs more than her!
You must not have many friends. I can tell because your advice is too… ignore a friend who may need help and let other people handle it. Seeing as you probably dont have a lot of expierence in this area ill give you advice, friends are supposed to care about each other even if the other person has other friends.
What?
The OP is asking if he can contact her family to ask why she doesn’t reply quickly enough…
If her family doesn’t care enough to investigate why she’s not replying to them, then they’re not going to care after OP contacts.
If they care enough that they would contact when OP asks…
Then they would have already reached out to their own daughter/sibling/whatever if she wasn’t responding to them…
Meaning the woman isn’t self-isolating, or her family is already trying to engage with her.
A friend that moved away two years ago their daughter isn’t texting back and is t meeting up when possible…
Probably just isn’t an important part of this woman’s life.
And at some point OP has to accept that, unless they’re a stalker.
Read my messages and read your message. Everything about what her family does or care is 100% made up by you. You then went with that made up facts to explain the rest.
Don’t you realize you’re just adding your own imagination into the mix?
