I feel like a lot of people who bemoan the lack of friends also don’t invest in friendship. Don’t show up when invited, don’t organize anything themselves.
I used to run a book club and a board game club, and it was always kind of a struggle to get people to show up. The pull of “just go home and look at Instagram” is strong, I guess.
What you said applies to old friendships mostly. And yeah, they need maintenance. But today it’s really hard to connect with new people if you’re not a party person. The spaces where you would usually go to meet other interesting folks like libraries, parks or similiar are mostly devoid of people, and people who are there are there to chill out and, mostly, don’t really want to be bothered.
And I felt nothing but respect for you when I’ve read you ran clubs so that talks for itself. That requires hella energy and commitment xD
But just tomake sure I am clear - I do agree with you. It just goes further than this.
I want to add it’s especially difficult if you work in a field that’s dominated by the opposite gender. My partner and I work in the same field. He’s made a few friends at work, because they’re all guys and connected over guy things.
On the other hand, I’m the only woman in my department, younger than all my male coworkers. The very few women that work in the company I don’t click with either due to language barrier or (mostly) completely different interests.
And then my partner points fingers as if I don’t want to make friends. All of his actual, IRL friends are either school or work friends. People who have friends mostly from childhood or school underestimate how difficult it is to find new ones outside work as an adult. Especially if you’re not into partying and drinking alcohol.
I usually recommend Meetup or similar. There’s a bunch that are just get togethers for board games or whatnot.
But you have to keep going. I think people expect to like go once and make a new best friend and partner. You usually need a lot of interactions to level up from “stranger” to “person I see sometimes” to friend.
I also ran a small meetup for a while before the pandemic. Made a few friends that way, but it’s a lot of thankless work.
I feel that you’ve severely misrepresented or misunderstood why people don’t show up to things. Assuming that they’re just addicted to instagram or whatever is such a crappy take.
Most adults are tired. They’re under paid, over worked, over stressed, and just plain worn down. The weight of a world designed to crush them has done its job very well.
People don’t show up because they’re depressed and stuck in a hole they don’t know how to get out of.
Source: I live in the real world. Also, I too run book clubs and shit and have seen people struggle to stay engaged.
“go home and look at Instagram” is largely a stand-in for “I’m tired and can’t muster the energy to do anything that feels more effortful”.
In my limited experience, the trick to getting out of the hole is doing the hard thing anyway. That and professional advice and medication as appropriate. You can’t to my knowledge willpower your way out of clinical depression. But ultimately if you want out of the hole, you have to climb out, regardless if that means therapy, medication, or being mildly uncomfortable. It’s not going to fix itself.
It’s a very widespread problem, and I don’t know how much to blame on media and culture vs human nature. Maybe some magical thinking too.
Basically, it’s the issue of people being on autopilot and expecting the life they’re supposed to have just happening to them. Interpersonal relationships are a huge part of it.
My new home country has a thing called talkoot: it means people get together to do some work for someone (or the community), then this someone offers food & sauna (and that means socialising, an excuse to crack a beer etc). Historically used when building houses, it is now a neat trick to both get together and get some work done. Or free food & sauna.
I feel like I have the exact opposite scenario. It’s other people who don’t know how to keep a friendship alive, for me. Like, I can reach out, ask if they want to do something, and either never get anything back or get a “I already had some plans after work to play a game with so and so.”
Mind you, I let this person live with me when they wanted out of the bad situation they were in. I also was there for the “so and so” when their mother passed away. Even before then, I drove that person around because they were an adult and didn’t even have their license yet! I drove them to their mother, who was an hour away at a hospital (we live in a small town). I drove them to pick up food and whatnot. I was there for both of them, and never bothered them with any of my issues (because I could handle my own at that time).
I did all of that for these two people, and yet, somehow, I am the one left behind in the friendship. It’s just insulting. So, in my opinion, there are just a lot more people out there than isn’t that are just not good people or don’t give a fuck about anything other than themselves!
I just think the modern era, and my way of thinking, don’t jive.
Part of that falls under the “don’t show up when invited” umbrella, but mostly that sucks. I’m sorry you feel like your efforts and friendship efforts weren’t appreciated.
I’ve definitely had a couple friends (“friends”) that were lopsided. I remember posting about one way back in the 2000s on some web forum, and a guy with a otter(?) avatar told me “This guy, that flakes on your plans and only shows up when it works for him? He doesn’t respect you. Don’t put up with that”. Good advice from a small furry animal, I think.
Some people just aren’t worth it. Maybe they were in the past. Maybe they will be again. But I find it’s important to have boundaries for oneself. It can be hard to balance.
It’s entirely okay. I just don’t think I’ll meet another person who has the scruples, beliefs, or even common interests that I have. It is sad, but that’s just how it is sometimes. shrugs
Thanks for the tip! I left them behind last year, and even though I miss them, they must not feel the same because I still haven’t gotten an apology about how they dog piled on me for cracking a joke about RFK being a Trump substitute. Even more funny when I saw that he was joining Trump’s cabinet, and still heard no apologies or even acknowledgement that I was right. It’s not even about being right, I just don’t see how they could take all of those good times we shared together and throw it away for the regime.
Anyway, thanks for the talk, and I hope you have a beautiful rest of the day! :)
I was there for both of them, and never bothered them with any of my issues (because I could handle my own at that time).
This might actually be a factor.
It’s counterintuitive, but generally speaking favors build feelings of friendship more strongly for the person doing the favor than the ones who are being helped. By never asking for anything in return you may have unintentionally undermined yourself.
I feel like a lot of people who bemoan the lack of friends also don’t invest in friendship. Don’t show up when invited, don’t organize anything themselves.
I used to run a book club and a board game club, and it was always kind of a struggle to get people to show up. The pull of “just go home and look at Instagram” is strong, I guess.
What you said applies to old friendships mostly. And yeah, they need maintenance. But today it’s really hard to connect with new people if you’re not a party person. The spaces where you would usually go to meet other interesting folks like libraries, parks or similiar are mostly devoid of people, and people who are there are there to chill out and, mostly, don’t really want to be bothered.
And I felt nothing but respect for you when I’ve read you ran clubs so that talks for itself. That requires hella energy and commitment xD
But just tomake sure I am clear - I do agree with you. It just goes further than this.
I want to add it’s especially difficult if you work in a field that’s dominated by the opposite gender. My partner and I work in the same field. He’s made a few friends at work, because they’re all guys and connected over guy things.
On the other hand, I’m the only woman in my department, younger than all my male coworkers. The very few women that work in the company I don’t click with either due to language barrier or (mostly) completely different interests.
And then my partner points fingers as if I don’t want to make friends. All of his actual, IRL friends are either school or work friends. People who have friends mostly from childhood or school underestimate how difficult it is to find new ones outside work as an adult. Especially if you’re not into partying and drinking alcohol.
I usually recommend Meetup or similar. There’s a bunch that are just get togethers for board games or whatnot.
But you have to keep going. I think people expect to like go once and make a new best friend and partner. You usually need a lot of interactions to level up from “stranger” to “person I see sometimes” to friend.
I also ran a small meetup for a while before the pandemic. Made a few friends that way, but it’s a lot of thankless work.
I feel that you’ve severely misrepresented or misunderstood why people don’t show up to things. Assuming that they’re just addicted to instagram or whatever is such a crappy take.
Most adults are tired. They’re under paid, over worked, over stressed, and just plain worn down. The weight of a world designed to crush them has done its job very well.
People don’t show up because they’re depressed and stuck in a hole they don’t know how to get out of.
Source: I live in the real world. Also, I too run book clubs and shit and have seen people struggle to stay engaged.
“go home and look at Instagram” is largely a stand-in for “I’m tired and can’t muster the energy to do anything that feels more effortful”.
In my limited experience, the trick to getting out of the hole is doing the hard thing anyway. That and professional advice and medication as appropriate. You can’t to my knowledge willpower your way out of clinical depression. But ultimately if you want out of the hole, you have to climb out, regardless if that means therapy, medication, or being mildly uncomfortable. It’s not going to fix itself.
You just explained why people go home and scroll though
It’s a very widespread problem, and I don’t know how much to blame on media and culture vs human nature. Maybe some magical thinking too.
Basically, it’s the issue of people being on autopilot and expecting the life they’re supposed to have just happening to them. Interpersonal relationships are a huge part of it.
Having kids, having to work…
Thank you for your service though.
My new home country has a thing called talkoot: it means people get together to do some work for someone (or the community), then this someone offers food & sauna (and that means socialising, an excuse to crack a beer etc). Historically used when building houses, it is now a neat trick to both get together and get some work done. Or free food & sauna.
Some of us were sensitive to armchair betrayals to begin with, and can’t endure letting another snake in the garden.
I feel like I have the exact opposite scenario. It’s other people who don’t know how to keep a friendship alive, for me. Like, I can reach out, ask if they want to do something, and either never get anything back or get a “I already had some plans after work to play a game with so and so.”
Mind you, I let this person live with me when they wanted out of the bad situation they were in. I also was there for the “so and so” when their mother passed away. Even before then, I drove that person around because they were an adult and didn’t even have their license yet! I drove them to their mother, who was an hour away at a hospital (we live in a small town). I drove them to pick up food and whatnot. I was there for both of them, and never bothered them with any of my issues (because I could handle my own at that time).
I did all of that for these two people, and yet, somehow, I am the one left behind in the friendship. It’s just insulting. So, in my opinion, there are just a lot more people out there than isn’t that are just not good people or don’t give a fuck about anything other than themselves!
I just think the modern era, and my way of thinking, don’t jive.
Part of that falls under the “don’t show up when invited” umbrella, but mostly that sucks. I’m sorry you feel like your efforts and friendship efforts weren’t appreciated.
I’ve definitely had a couple friends (“friends”) that were lopsided. I remember posting about one way back in the 2000s on some web forum, and a guy with a otter(?) avatar told me “This guy, that flakes on your plans and only shows up when it works for him? He doesn’t respect you. Don’t put up with that”. Good advice from a small furry animal, I think.
Some people just aren’t worth it. Maybe they were in the past. Maybe they will be again. But I find it’s important to have boundaries for oneself. It can be hard to balance.
Never make yourself a priority to someone who treats you as an option.
It’s entirely okay. I just don’t think I’ll meet another person who has the scruples, beliefs, or even common interests that I have. It is sad, but that’s just how it is sometimes. shrugs
Thanks for the tip! I left them behind last year, and even though I miss them, they must not feel the same because I still haven’t gotten an apology about how they dog piled on me for cracking a joke about RFK being a Trump substitute. Even more funny when I saw that he was joining Trump’s cabinet, and still heard no apologies or even acknowledgement that I was right. It’s not even about being right, I just don’t see how they could take all of those good times we shared together and throw it away for the regime.
Anyway, thanks for the talk, and I hope you have a beautiful rest of the day! :)
This might actually be a factor.
It’s counterintuitive, but generally speaking favors build feelings of friendship more strongly for the person doing the favor than the ones who are being helped. By never asking for anything in return you may have unintentionally undermined yourself.
I can see this point. I don’t like it, but I can see it. Humans make everything so much harder than they should be. lol