I am of the age to have kids, some of my friends have them, but I have mixed feelings about it, just wondering about other people’s experiences.
I have a daughter. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me. Sounds corny as fuck, but it’s true. I don’t regret a thing. The first 3 years are tough, but also super cute. After that it’s a freaking miracle on 2 legs. Sometimes I think we should have had a second child shortly after but we already put in so much energy to set her up for life. I don’t think we could have extended that for another child. Turns out she’s neurodivergent, just like me. It takes a bit more effort raising someone like that, but it’s totally worth it.
I bet there are people here fuming at my post already because of climate change and whatnot. I believe humanity has faced way worse and yet we’re still here. If there is a meaning to life, it is going to be survival. Can’t survive without procreation.
I don’t have kids, but very much want them. But for a number of reasons, it’s just not going to happen in my life and I’ve made my peace with that.
Firstly, I am a trans woman married to another trans woman. Quite happily! So obviously our only option would be adoption, however due to a chronic medical complications I’m currently using a wheelchair full time without any clear indication if that will ever change. I’m in constant pain that makes any sort of mobility difficult so very often I don’t leave the couch. So while it is possible for us to start the expensive and lengthy foster parent system, there is no guarantees I would physically be able to help my wife with child raising. And since she is also our sole income, I can’t also expect her to work full-time AND do transportation, logistics and day to day child care while I am bedridden. Especially when my wife has said that her life is complete without children.
I take solace in the fact that our hormone replacement has likely made us sterile. That’s often not the case completely, but for my own emotional well being, I assume it’s a certainty so I don’t think about surrogates.
Part of having a disability is grieving the loss of your old life and old expectations, while coming to terms with a new life along with new goals. This is a touchy subject with a lot of complex feelings, but I want to thank you OP for promoting the question and allowing me to talk.
I hope you can overcome the parts of your sickness that keep you more immobile, but otherwise it sounds like you’re in a healthy relationship and state of mind, which, with or without kids, is still key for a happy life.
Thank you for sharing.
Have kids. The only regret is the world we brought them into. Wouldn’t trade them for anything. But we have many fears about their future. We still thought the world could be saved with recycling and buying efficient cars. Dubya was an anomaly. Things would return to their boring 1990’s progression. Not anymore.
Climate change is essentially unstoppable at this point, the only choices are how bad it will be. Politics globally seem to be shifting to right wing populism, nationalism, fascism. Good luck if your kids aren’t straight, white males. Economically the system stopped making sense. Worthless companies worth billions. Billionaires with private space programs. A new gilded age with widening disparity. Companies literally paying homage to the new “king” hoping for some kind of investiture or favor.
E: point being the world is pointed in an objectively worse direction.
As someone who wants kids, this thread is very depressing.
I have them, they are great. Here are a few obvious things I’ve learned that I didn’t appreciate beforehand:
The complexity of the endeavor rises exponentially with the number of kids. That is to say, 3 is a much bigger leap from 2 than 2 was from 1.
They get dramatically more expensive and complicated as they get older. All that exhausting baby activity is the easy part. As you start to figure out how to do it, the rules shift and you have to get learning again.
I never imagined how much of adult life as a parent revolves around the literal management of shit. Between kids, pets, and aging parents, I just never expected to be so preoccupied with the logistics of excrement. I guess I was living in some kind of Disneyland in the before times. You sort of get used to it though. Sort of.
Such a wise and thoughtful answer 😊👍
Waht I regret pf having kids is my financial situation and who I had kids with. I should have chosen better but I was stupid and naive back in the day…
I have a son that is the most important thing in my life. He is 2.5 now, but it took me a year to adjust to my new life, and I am shamed to admit that several episodes could have a been handled better. (No abuse, but daddy getting angry for a toddler being a toddler) It took a toll on the relationships too. Still does since tired people have shorter fuses.
Bottom line now is that he fills me with joy. Watching him learn new thing like how there ia fluff between his toes (and do dad have it too?) to how all water used for painting turns grey. How he practices being a ninja sneaking up on me (but can’t contain his excitement and giggle) The texture of food, and how spaghetti sticks.
Of course you are tired and stressed, and the random pain from unexpected movements when dressing him, or from death dives on the couch is always there. But I would not trade him for anything.
We wanted kids, tried to have kids, but things never seemed to work out. So I went to see my doctor and they ran some tests. First test we found I had no sperm, so they did more tests, turns out I barely have any testosterone at all, but absolutely tons of estrogen. More tests, this time a genetic one. Turns out I have kleinfelter syndrome, which if caught early enough there are things that can be done. But at my age that boat has long since sailed.
It’s been an interesting couple of years. I started TRT injections at the beginning of the year. And my life has taken a complete 180, turns out you really need testosterone for alot of things. And your body reacts kinda funny without it.
Adoption seems our only choice, but she doesn’t want a kid if it’s not hers. So… Yea
That makes me wonder, how did it influence your life? Ive never heard of what a lack of testosterone can do
I have a kid. My wife wanted one but I didn’t, and I agreed because I didn’t want to lose her.
I love my kid, but to call it a huge lifestyle change is a monumental understatement. I’m happy with my life, but it could have gone the other way, and that wouldn’t have been fair to anyone. There are certainly a lot of things I miss from before, but I couldn’t go back now.
Don’t let anyone else convince you to have a kid, and don’t let anyone, including yourself, convince your spouse. This really needs to be something you want for yourself, or there is a good chance you’ll end up miserable and your child will grow up in a broken home.
If you can’t make to your mind before your age make it too risky for your comfort, then just understand that you have made a decision, and you’ll need to come to terms with that, should it come to pass.
58 and without kids, no regrets so far
My golden rule of thumb goes by this ruling, if I can barely take care of myself and barely get by. There’s absolutely no way or chance I’ve got in caring for someone else like a child.
If I can’t stand the sight, scent, hearing and other things of other people’s children. There’s not a guarantee that I’ll see my child any different.
Mood. There was a time I was standing in line at the post office and some haggard looking mother was doing her best to calmly reign in her child who was busy running away from her, screeching and pulling over every display he could reach, and having zero regard for anyone else in the vicinity. I could see her exhaustion and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I usually just grit my teeth and try to ignore it until I can escape, but this time I cut off the kids path when he got close, said “Stop” in the harshest tone I could muster, and ngl was pretty pleased with myself when he went crying to his mom. I did realize in that moment, tho, that I probably shouldn’t have kids.
I tried so hard to find the clip from Under the Silver Lake where he snaps and beats the asshole kid, but i couldn’t find it after ten minutes cuz the Internet is so disappointing now
I hate when the internet eats a classic clip. Hopefully this tangentially related episode of Next Time on Lonny helps?
Some mom’s out there with kids the neighborhood raises will be all: “have them anyways, you’ll make it work!”
No and no. I don’t think I’d want to subject my kids to where the world is headed. Also, too much of a long-term commitment that would significantly reduce my opportunities to do what I want, travel etc.
Those are both among the main arguments I have against having any.
As for the travel argument, kids are so much fun to travel with! Experiencing new places through a child’s eyes!? They ask some great questions, and you get to hone in your own opinions as you decide the best way to explain life to them. Travel is the best way to raise tolerant and knowledgeable children. If you’re concerned about more… hedonistic travel just realize that you only get 18 to 20 years with them in your daily life, those designations will still be there. If you’re afraid that’s a long time then you likely haven’t had your 20th high school reunion yet.
As to the latter, I’m roughly satisfied in the department of things that kids would preclude.
As to the former, that’s part of the reason I want kids. I care about the people who will live in the future. I want a better life for them.
I can do what I can to improve the world in my life, but someone needs to carry the torch. Kids are an opportunity to teach some subset of the future population my values. I want to learn from my parents’ mistakes and my own life to make better kids that become better parents, who make better kids who become better parents, so on and so forth ad infinitum.
The intro to Idiocracy can be generalized: the world will be populated by the children of those who have children. If only the worst people reproduce, the future will be worse. Unless the ethical people reproduce and pass on their values, those values will die out. If we want the future to be better, we have to have kids, teach them to be better, and teach them to teach their kids to be better.
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I would love to have kids. It seems like my biggest wish in the world. People keep telling me that having children was the most beautiful thing that happened to them. Still no baby after 9 fertility treatments, only a couple of miscarriages. I am 40 now and I have almost no time left. I feel broken by Al the treatments. Lost my work. Adoption is impossible in my country.
I would love to know how other people learn to live with this feeling.
I’ve got a few friends in similar situations.
- One couple it ended up working out for a single embryo on the second to last attempt.
- Another couple went the adoption route, ended up with two boys about the same age (one they adopted when he was a baby, the other was I think 5 or 6?). Both boys graduated college in the past few years actually! Great kids.
- A third couple opted to just not have kids. They got a dog about a year after the last attempt, which became like a stand in for a child to them. They both kept working and financially are quite well off, traveling and exploring passion projects. It took some time and therapy, wasn’t easy, but they are quite happy with where they are now.
Thank you! It is good to know what others have been doing and how they have been dealing with it. Adoption in my country is not possible, unfortunately. I am probably not allowed to be a foster mom, as I have CPTSD. They are extremely strict with that here. Although there might be a very small chance that they will accept me if I can get a letter from my psychologist that I am stable and if I do well on all the tests. I am not counting on it though.
Maybe traveling or something like that would be nice sometime in the future. It is good to hear that they are still happy. That gives a bit of hope.
7 years of trying for us. Still no luck. Doctors haven’t been able to tell us why. It’s rough some days. But one way we cope is to try to be the best aunt & uncle possible to our nieces.
Yes, that helps for me too! I have the cutest nephew who I see once a week and sometimes he sleeps over. In some cases it hurts, because it feels very empty when he leaves, but overall I am very happy to have at least him.
why adoption is impossible?
In my country adoption from other countries is impossible as there have been several cases in which children were taken away from the parents illegally. They cannot check for that informing countries, so now adoption is not allowed anymore. Adoption within my country also is almost impossible. It is believed that children are best off with the biological parents. If they cannot live there, everything is focused on creating better circumstances so they can go back. The goal for children who cannot live at home is always to go back to the biological parents, so adoption almost never happens.
There is foster care and in soms cases children are in foster care for a very long time. Although the idea is still to get them back with the biological parents once the situation is safe, in practice that might not happen. You can just never be certain about that. However, I was abused by my parents and I got CPTSD from that. While my psychologist believes I would be able to be a foster mom, maybe even better because my experiences allow me to understand these children better, it is a really big obstacle to becoming one. The foster care organisations in general believe that if you have trauma in your past that you are not well-suited to take care of a child. They already told me it is not impossible for me to be a foster mom, but not to count on it because of the CPTSD.
Is surrogacy an option? We’re a same-sex couple, so we are in a similar boat.
The problem has likely to do with the quality of my egg cells. They are not certain about this, but it is the most likely explanation. This means that surrogacy would not solve that problem. An egg cell donation might. However, in my country it is quite difficult to have access to that. There are large sperms banks, but not large banks for egg cells. So, we would need to find someone in our environment to donate an egg cell to me.
Are you a male or female couple (biologically I mean for making the child)? What happens here is that there are some women who do not have a partner, but still want a child. They often get a child together with a male gay couple and they raise the child with the three of them. I think government is even working on it to be possible for a child to have three parents legally. This is how my uncles got their twins. I am not sure whether this works the same with female couples. I see them often at the fertility treatment center, so I believe that they probably use the sperm bank.
Aww, sorry to hear that. Hopefully you can find an egg donor. We are two men, so we aren’t quite as fortunate that way. Finding another couple or woman who was interested in having children together would be very lucky. We’re hopeful, but it seems fairly unlikely. Surrogacy might be our best option.
Thank you. I really hope you do find another couple or woman who you can have children with. I have seen it work very well in practice. I think my uncles went on a website that matches people and there was some process a bit similar to dating on beforehand when they tried to find a match. However, in the end, of was a friend that was interested.
She wanted to have children, but did not have a partner. She also wanted to make sure the children had a father, so this was a good solution for her as well. Now they even have two fathers!
I hope you can find a solution like this or surrogacy. I think that everyone that is capable of taking care of a child and who wants it should be able to have one. I think it is one of the most fundamental experiences you can have in life. Good luck!
Mid 30s here. When i was younger i never wanted kids. I would always tell my parents i never wanted any as well. Fast forward about 15-20 years, people would tell me im great with kids and i should have some. The problem with this is that i am great with kids for about 2-3 hours and then im like…get this thing away from me. People have also told me that its different when they are your own.
Well one day i booked an appointment to get a vasectomy and havent looked back yet. I also got married to someone who shares the same feelings as me towards having no kids. Life is great and havent thought of any regrets.
People have told me that I’m good with kids too. But here’s the thing…it’s actually super easy to give a child attention and follow them around for several hours. I’m not sure why people praise me for it. I guess because some people don’t care enough to give the kids the time of day or something?
But the not easy part is the taking care of them eternally thing. Parenting through meltdowns…always being there 24/7/365 with no breaks…having to always feed and clean them…etc. The list goes on.
I know it’s dark to say, but one of the things I fear I’d do is end up with one of those parents who is driven crazy and inadvertently kills their child from shaken baby syndrome.
My husband once said to me, “this is a terrible thing to say, and I don’t want you to feel bad, but you do seem like the type who might shake a baby” - I was sterilized by then so it was funny vs insulting.
Broo I feel that lol I am probably too mentally unstable for that shit. Who knows, tho.
At least when people only have one child, it almost seems maybe manageable. But people for some reason never seem to stop at one!
I have 1 year old twins.
It’s been a tough road all the way along. Years of IVF, complex and stressful pregnancy, some serious health issues at first. Everyone fit and well now.
It’s kind of odd to be asked whether I regret anything. Like do I regret having an arm, or do I regret that the world is round.
I will say that it’s a genuine privilege to be involved in their lives every day and to be with them when they experience things.
