I know opinions on this vary a lot depending on the country and culture, so I’m curious what others think. Personally, I have a 22-year-old son. I bought him a house and a car, I pay for his university tuition (his grades are high enough for a state-subsidized spot, but we feel that should go to someone more in need), and I basically support him fully. We want him to focus on his studies and enjoy this stage of his life. He will finish his dentistry degree in 2028, and then we plan to finance the opening of his private practice. We’ll stop providing financial support once he’s earning enough to live comfortably on his own. I see many parents online (especially in North America) talking about kids moving out at 18, paying rent to live at home, and covering their own bills, and it honestly shocks me. That feels unfathomable to me. I believe that as parents, we have a duty to give our children a good life since we brought them into this world.
Not many parents could provide that to their children. Many are not far from not affording their own car and house. I can’t fanthom having the ability to do all that for a child so there is no way I can really give a good answer. You do what you can but you can but that is pretty much letting them live with you if they can’t get a place of their own. Invest in a bussiness??? Buy a car??? I would like to refresh our vehicle and so maybe they can have the old one if we don’t need to sell it to cover the purchase of the replaccement.
Everyone I know who was raised like this is an ungrateful horrible person.
Litereally have met so many people like this who get angry their parents didnt’ give them more. Blows my mind how ungrateful, bitter, and miserable they are. The entitlement of grown ass adults who are finanically independent on their parents until they make like 250K+ is insane. I dated a girl once who was bitter her parents only gave her 50,000 for her graduate present. My graduation present was a handshake and 50K of debt.
But what do i know, i paid for my own life since i was 15 years old. I live in a different planet that the wealthy who pretend they aren’t wealthy and yet can spend a few million supporting their children.
To the extent that they can, while ensuring that if they have more means than average, the child understands, the whole time growing up, that they are privileged, and they did not work to get these things, and that other people have a much more difficult life.
I think often times people don’t do the rest of this, and end up creating monsters.
I don’t think its the helping your child part that makes the monster.
It think more often than not the people who go the opposite route of withholding support they could give to their child to their child, they just make a hateful shitty relationship for no reason.
I’ve always found it bizarre anyone could contort themselves to the point of believing that not helping your child is helping your child when study after study shows that children with assistance in areas like these do better in life significantly.
That’s unfathomable to you because you are in a very privileged position in society. Especially right now the vast majority of people are struggling to take care of themselves let alone an adult child. You must not only be privileged, but completely sheltered from the reality that the majority of people face. You’ve chosen to live in a high income are and only socialize with high income people. The posts you see online are a small taste of the regular world. Every parent wishes they could help their children as much as you have. But don’t be surprised if every time your kid has a huge financial issue that they come to you to solve it, you’ve taken away pretty much every struggle a young adult typically has to deal with.
Those stupid poor people should just be born rich.
You are on the extreme high end of support in my cohort. I know 2 folks getting this treatment. Typical in my cohort (for that age range) is being allowed cheap (or free) housing in the parents home, and some percentage of shared meals. Sometimes car borrowing. Rarely is there enough money for serious tuition support.
If you compute it out, what you are paying is likely more than most couples can reliably have or provide for one kid. In other words, your suggested norms cannot be sustained by the average family.
FWIW. I have been on my own financially since 18.
Most people I meet, when they find this out, freak out at me. They think I shouldn’t have been born if my parents weren’t able to do what OP does for his kid. I paid for my own undergrad, graduate, and have started working/saving since I was 15 years old. I went to an ivy league college too. Worked every summer fulltime to pay my bills for the next year. I’ve never been unhappy. I just lived without luxuries and saw nothing wrong with that.
Apparently this ‘lifestyle’ is heinous and unfathomable to people in 2025.
Congrats!
I don’t actually know the outcome data on the different cohorts; perhaps the phenomenon is too new to have good data? Or perhaps the economy is crazy enough that old data wouldn’t be useful. My intuition is that, as you describe, self-sufficient at 18 (when it’s not a surprise), was pretty reasonable provided jobs could be found and housing was available. May I ask what cohort is yours and what cost of living looked like for those first ~3 years?
As much as the parent wants to.
You having the finances to afford this is largely the reason you’re able to do this. Others likely don’t have the finances to do so, so they need assistance from their children. Most Americans are not able to afford what you’re doing (like, even for themselves, if we’re being honest, let alone for their children), so I would suggest you withhold judgement.
I feel happy for your child that they were able to begin adult life so incredibly supported. I wish I could do the same for my kids, and I wish the same had been done for me.
I think one big problem with this is some people end up very entitled. They think it’s easy to “pull yourself up by your own bootstraps” when in reality it’s not even possible for most unsupported folks. As long as your kid knows to be humble, that they only got to where they are by the welfare of inheritance, I think what you’re doing is great. They shouldn’t feel bad or guilty about your help, they just shouldn’t judge any choices made by anyone who didn’t have the luxury of all that wonderful support.
I worked three jobs in college, and big surprise I burned out and dropped out with big mental health issues. I earned a full ride, but my jobs didn’t fully cover my food and rent, so I ended up with loans just to get my AA. No bachelor’s degree, and definitely no medical degree. I’m not complaining, just pointing out it’s not that I didn’t work as hard as your kid, or that I wasn’t as smart. I just didn’t have the freedom of choice your child was afforded. I congratulate you for offering that to them.
I like the Warren Buffet quote: “Leave your children enough money so they can do anything, but not enough that they don’t have to do anything.”
Pay some of their rent, give them pantry staple foods or specific gift cards - not cash.
Telling kids to move out at 18 is the equivalent of an adult forcing their senior parents in the worst senior home as soon as they hit 65
No way.
Parents owe their children a life debt, not the other way around.
One of the best things I can do for my child is not burden them later in life.
I definitely agree that parents should do their best to not be a burden to their children, but in case some unplanned circumstance happens and my kids have the ability to help, I’d be extremely disappointed if they didn’t. Love goes both ways imo.
Yeah but what I’m getting at is that I owe my son the world, he owes me nothing.
I brought him into this world, it’s my burden to bear.
I believe he’s gonna choose to be there for me if I need it but the expectation has never been ingrained in him.
He is my burden, he is his own burden, if he has kids he can be that for them.
Love goes both ways, but the responsibility ought only go one way.
I’d go a bit further and say that one is the natural consequence of the other tbh.
My parents helped through college, and then I went out on my own. The help was still available, though. In my early 30’s, I moved back in with them because I had taken a job in the town where they lived. It was supposed to be temporary, but they saw that my financial situation needed them to step in, so they offered to let me stay and pay them a small rent (basically to cover bills and food). That was a huge help! 2-years later and I was mostly debt free (only student loans and a small car loan left), and taking a new job further away from them.
Long story short, I think parents should help when they can, and if the situation warrants it. There’s something to be said for letting your kids fail on their own. They learn more than you can teach them that way. But, while it’s good to help them, it’s also important that they recognize the help they’ve received. Knowing that outside help got them where they are is a Good Thing. It helps make them more empathetic to others who maybe don’t have the same support system.
ETA: the student loans were very low interest rate, back when that was a thing.
It comes down to when is a child an independent adult, doesn’t it?
- In the US you’re legally an adult at 18, and free public school ends about then. If you’re not going to college, maybe you’re an adult
- however this hasn’t changed in many years and really needs to: both that more school should be standard and that most kids that age are not ready to be an adult.
- full time college is a good argument for not being an independent adult, and kids should be fully supported by their parents
I plan to follow what my parents did: everyone goes to college (or trade school or service academy: let’s not get picky but more education will better prepare them for being an adult), and since they’re not independent adults, parents need to support them. I’m doing my best to cover their college expenses, provide a welcoming home when they’re here, basics of modern life like insurance Internet devices and a vehicle, while also trying to plan for a little bump when they need to get their first car and first apartment. That establishes them as independent adults!
It gets a little tougher when they “fail to launch”. Depending on the reasons and the amount of time, it can be a tough call between being their safety net and being their doormat. I can see mutually beneficial arrangements where they live at home, but the key word is “mutual”
It depends on the kid.
I’m one of three adult kids that our still-working parents have.
As someone who has accepted a lot of support from them, I feel extremely motivated to do something useful with that support.
But others might be inclined to freeload, and use that support to put off developing as a person. I think I’m a little guilty of that myself, but even in retrospect it’s hard to say whether that stuff was a well-needed break, or just lazyness.
That said, I’ve kept track of every cent my parents have floated for me, and I’ve started slowly reducing the number as I’m making enough to sometimes pay for things in their stead.
Obviously the passage of time has changed the value of the currency, and I’m sure my parents don’t care whether I “pay them back” as they never considered their support a loan. But it matters to me, and keeping the idea in my head that I have to pay them back, kept me from thinking of their support as “free money” since I always planned on returning it some day.
I also do pay rent. But it’s essentially symbolic. It’s an agreed upon arrangement, there to remind me that living space isn’t free. It’s not as though my mom would actually evict me if I genuinely couldn’t afford a payment, and if I did get hit with some surprise expense, I know my parents would immediately offer to share the burden.
Basically, we’re simulating what life would be like for me without them, but with the security of knowing that they’re there for me if needed.
But I also know people my age, where giving them money would be little more valuable than setting it on fire. People who are able to accept charity without it instilling any kind of motivation or inspiration.
Another thing to be careful of, is that financially supporting an adult might make them feel indebted in ways that make them lead miserable lives. If my parents had supported me with the expectation I become a doctor of any kind, combined with my depression, it may well have killed me.
My student years made me miserable, and it took me a long while to recover. But I was lucky enough to have parents that didn’t have carreer dreams for me. They only put pressure on to motivate me, when I expressed interest of my own, first.
So I think to a massive extent it’s between each parent and kid. Even my siblings don’t have identical arrangements with my parents.
…you bought him a house? I mean, good for him, but that’s pretty wild. I’m guessing the car probably isn’t an ’05 Toyota Yaris either.
When I was 20, my parents gave me 50 € a week for a few years so I could just barely cover my expenses, since my student financial aid didn’t quite cover rent and living costs. That stopped the moment I got my first job, and I’ve pretty much been on my own ever since. They did help pay a few repair bills on my first car and backed my mortgage, but beyond that, I haven’t gotten any financial help from them.
I honestly think you’re doing him a disservice by helping that much. I don’t think I’d appreciate money the way I do now if I hadn’t had to struggle through those early years. It was reassuring to know my parents were there if something truly catastrophic happened, but I’m grateful they only helped just enough to keep me afloat - and not a bit more.
agreed. everyone i know who has parents like this… turned into awful human being. selfish, greedy, lying, perpetually unhappy, and extremely entitled. and looks down on everyone who isn’t as wealthy as they are as subhuman.
blows my mind how warped your work ethic and apprecation for money must be when it’s just handed to you with zero effort.
I honestly think you’re doing him a disservice by helping that much.
His son will be a Dentist. This isn’t a child that is doing nothing with their life. Think of how much farther you could be in a career if you had more support. Instead of being an employee, you’d be the employer.
I personally think having a solid foundation in life is important. A home, reliable transportation, and a useful or profitable degree all work together to create stability. When those basics are covered, you’re able to focus on work, relationships, interests, and actually living your life.
Most people don’t have that level of wealth or privledge.
for them life is a grind of acquiring the basics.
You have singlehandedly removed the biggest obstacles he would have faced otherwise. It will make his life easier and “let him focus on other things”, sure, but don’t think for a second that you didn’t put him in a very privileged position from which he never learned to struggle and advance on his own merits. You have planned out everything for him in advance, up to opening his own practice, which I personally think is too much micromanagement from a parent.
yep, this is classic helicopter parenting
This OP post has got to be fake. I can’t believe the number of people taking it seriously and then agreeing.
i live in boston ma.
probably like 10-20% of the population is like OP. tons of wealthy people who have planned and paid out their childrens entire lives.
and their children still hate them… and are often massively immature and childish because they will never have to be adults who made their own choices, pay their own bills, etc.
it is very real, and very common among the top 10% wealthiest americans. the types who go ivy league schools.
I’ve met people like this.
Literally enough money to never work and still live comfortably. I was talking to a wife of one that made her husband start a business simply because he was out golfing too much.
FR. My dad is dead and my mom is broke. And she’s partially broke because she helped me pay for college and I’m beyond grateful. But there’s no way she could help me financially anymore.
Yeah, this reeks of the other creative writing posts that have been cropping up here from time to time.
Decent question for discussion with a minorly contreversial/odd twist, from a brand new account as the only post on it.
I’ll give OP credit for actually responding twice in the comments. Most of the time these types of posts they just drop it and run, then delete it between a few hours and a day later.
I’m actually quite surprised how many here seem to be agreeing with this considering the level of resentment towards wealthy people I see here on daily basis.
because people don’t like it when other people are welathy… but if they were wealthy they’d do the same things the wealtyh do that they hate.
and they don’t see the irony or hypocracy. because it’s ‘different’ if they do it. and only bad if someone else does it.
It’s a great topic to bait class conflict.
I imagine a lot of lemmy users are tech-savvy, decent jobs, basically ‘comfortable’ in life. People who consider college education a necessity and part of parental responsibility, whether that means paying tuition outright, co-signing loans, or just letting their kid live at home until graduation.
I also imagine a lot of lemmy users are young people, struggling to balance the increasingly burdensome costs of housing, life, maybe school debt (depending on nationality). Maybe with their own kids put completely off the table by their immediate financial situation.
Both of those stereotypes can resent wealthy people. That first group means trust-fund kids and nepo-babies who graduate into leadership positions in their parents’ companies. The second group means the first.
I actually know a lot of people from where I went to high school who were treated this way…
What if you gave him so much money that he’d never have to work again? Then he’d have even more time to focus on relationships and personal interests. Would that still be a net good thing? And if not, how is that any different?
When I think back on my life, the meaningful parts aren’t just about getting things - they’re about working toward them. My first car was a cheap piece of junk, but I bought it with money I earned myself, and I loved that thing. I’ve gone from one cheap rental to a slightly better one, and eventually to being able to buy my first house. It’s an old, tiny granny cottage, but I paid for it with my own earnings, and I’m sure I’m far more emotionally attached to it than I’d ever be to a nicer house someone just gave me.
The same goes for my body - I’ve spent decades working out to look the way I do. That process has taught me more about discipline and effort than almost anything else. It’s not something I’d ever want handed to me.
There’s a term for this - the IKEA effect. Studies show people value their IKEA furniture more than pre-assembled, more expensive pieces because they built it themselves. I think that applies to life too. It’s not about the destination - it’s about the journey.
Well, I view money as a means to an end, not an end in itself. I don’t believe money or material possessions provide innate fulfillment. If I were a billionaire with unlimited money, I’d absolutely want him to just enjoy life doing whatever he wanted. This idea that struggle is necessary for fulfillment or personal growth has never made sense to me. With freedom and resources, there are countless skills, passions, and pursuits that could bring purpose and joy.
Well, I view money as a means to an end, not an end in itself. I don’t believe money or material possessions provide innate fulfillment.
That has nothing to do with the push back you’re seeing.
This idea that struggle is necessary for fulfillment or personal growth has never made sense to me.
This here, the personal growth bit.
At some point in your child’s life, you will not be there as a safety net when something serious happens. If you are incredibly wealthy, make good investments, and have an abundance of time, then you may be able to reduce that to coming when you die. Or it may be something outside of personal control, like a serious health issue that can’t be solved by tossing money at it for better care.
The longer they go without having to navigate a serious situation like that, the less prepared they will be.
This isn’t just “gut feeling” shit. You can find text on the importance of allowing failure and natural consequences in early childhood education books, parenting books, even some management books. Studies have been done.
Edit: Reading some of your other responses, it sounds like while you’re providing, you also haven’t just let your kid coast on by just on your support, and have made sure they’re still oearning life skills. Don’t get me wrong, the first big life problem will still hit them hard, but it sounds like you’re doing what you can to help them be prepared to navigate it.
Unfortunately, I’m used to seeing the big monetary support be tied with not giving much support to the kid otherwise. Glad to hear that doesn’t seem to be the case here.
There are levels of support and none are inherently bad. It’s up to the parents to raise the child right and the child to use the opportunities to reach greater heights than their parents.
You would have been more prepared for problems had your parents dropped you off on the streets of a city when you were 15.
My parents died when I was young. That gave me survival focus. Decades ago I had a coworker with similar childhood where his parents were teachers but his parents didn’t die. His parents support allowed him to be more successful at a younger age than me.
The entire premise of education is that you get to stand on the shoulders of giants instead of being thrown alone in a mud hut and figure out everything yourself.
That is one side of the coin. But what if he gets into financial trouble later in life, when you’re no longer there, or otherwise able to support him? Addictions, accidents, bad business ownership, legal trouble - there are lots of ways people can inadvertently lose everything they have.
If you’ve never learned how to build stuff up from the ground up, it will be a lot harder to recover.
There are valuable lessons in earning your own house and working for your keep. If everything comes easy it’s going to be a problem when things get tough. You can only hope you set them up well enough that there’s never going to be financial woes.
My main concern is the kid might feel entitled to what they are provided from their parents. That is not necessarily a problem in of itself, but I would be worried if my kids are not aware of how hard it would be to get a house or a car from nothing, because they never need to work for it. And I would be very upset if they cannot empathize with people who are not provided these things by their parents, hence doesn’t support public projects that benefit the less fortunate.
You sound like an amazing parent. I hope your kid carries this sense of providing stability until the next generation can provide their own stability on to the next generation.
Is this and the upvotes an alt?
I fully agree with you. A person that becomes a parent must realize that it is, in a way, a lifetime thing, and that there is a responsibility to help provide a good life, as much as possible.
Helping is one thing, paying for everything is something else. I don’t want my kid lying awake at night worrying about bills but I want her making decisions about how she’s spending her money and having to go without things.
I think equitable help makes sense as a parent, also fostering a mindset with your kids to not take much more than what’s needed. Post-18 I plan to help pay towards their car insurance, phone bill, and living expenses as long as they are at home. Once they move out, I’ll still help with what I can until they tell me otherwise.
I’m not optimistic I’ll be able to financially provide as much help as I would want to give. Also I’m not optimistic that a young person will be able to afford their own home easily 20+ years from now. Unless there’s more public housing or a sudden increase in the amount of houses being built, I expect real estate to keep going up but wages to stagnant, without intervention at least.
I’m off the opinion that if the parents stops providing financial support to the kids, the kids don’t have any obligations to support them in old age
